Once Upon A Demon By Sohma Shigure
by Zeff N Company
Summary: The Brave Trio - Ayame, Hatori and Shigure - must venture forth to capture the Demon that plagues the Kingdom of Happy People! With no allowance for failure! Can they make it? CAN THEY MAKE IT? Be warned of YukixTohru pairing.
1. The Three Amigos, COME!

_**This story was brought to you in consideration of (Any Politician/s of Your Choice), the great men of our nations.**_

XXX

**Once upon a time in a land far, far away, where there were lush green trees, singing birds and bouncing bunnies, there was a little kingdom known as the Kingdom of Happy People. Everyone there, regardless of race or religion, were happy people.**

(ENTER Town Crier. Town Crier runs through town.)

TOWN CRIER: HEAR YE! HEAR YE! EVERYBODY'S HAPPY!

(EXIT Town Crier.)

**And oh yes, they were!**

**The butcher was happy!**

**The baker was happy!**

**The candlestick-maker was happy!**

**The people of the Kingdom of Happy People were the happiest people that you could ever come by.**

**Until one day...**

(CUE Lightning Flash and Thunder Booms)

(CUE Evil Guy Laughter)

**A DEMON appeared!**

**And the people of the Kingdom of Happy People were not happy anymore!**

**The butcher wasn't happy!**

**The baker wasn't happy!**

**The candlestick-maker wasn't happy!**

**So okay, the insurance agents were happy, but nobody gives a hoot about them, so why should we?**

**The Kingdom of Happy People was not to be if it had no happy people! Thus and therefore, the Great King Honda decided that something should be done about the DEMON!**

**Anything to get the tourists to come back.**

(ENTER Unhappy People of the Kingdom of Happy People)

(ENTER Great King Honda and Great Queen Honda.)

(CUE Cheering of Large Crowds)

GREAT KING HONDA: My humble subjects! I have come up with a flawless plan to rid us of this great menace! Valid from this point forward, whichever man who can capture the foul creature and bring him to me - be it dead or alive - will be rewarded with my daughter's hand in marriage!

**There were no takers. And all because of one very important point.**

(ENTER Random Unhappy Person)

RANDOM UNHAPPY PERSON: Your Majesty the Great King Honda, you don't have a daughter!

(CUE Great King Honda Laughter)

GREAT KING HONDA: That is but a minor detail, my humble subjects! You shall have my daughter the princess, and she will win your hearts and steel you to fight our nemesis!

(EXIT Random Unhappy Person)

(EXIT Unhappy People of the Kingdom of Happy People)

(Great King Honda WHISPERS TO Great Queen Honda)

GREAT KING HONDA: Your Majesty.

GREAT QUEEN HONDA: Yes, Your Majesty?

GREAT KING HONDA: Let's get to work on this daughter, or we'll never get the tourists back.

XXX

**And in the years that followed, the DEMON continued to terrorize the unhappy people of the Kingdom of Happy People.**

**For the DEMON was always hungry.**

(ENTER Unhappy People with Bread Loaves)

**And the DEMON was always thirsty.**

(ENTER Unhappy People with Flasks of Fine Wine)

**And the DEMON occasionally indulged himself in snacks.**

(ENTER Unhappy People with a King-sized Seafood Pizza with Extra Leek)

(ENTER Unhappy Baker)

UNHAPPY BAKER: Igor, you fool! What have you done?! I told you: no leek on seafood pizzas!!

(CUE Angry DEMON Roar)

(CUE Unhappy People Screaming)

(EXIT Unhappy Cook AND Unhappy People with a King-sized Seafood Pizza with Extra Leek)

XXX

**However! Among these poor unhappy people of the Kingdom of Happy people were three young lads who would, one day, capture the DEMON. The first was Ayame, the second was Hatori, and the third was Shigure.**

(ENTER Ayame, Hatori AND Shigure)

SHIGURE: Aya-chan!

AYAME: Yes?

SHIGURE: What do you want to be when you grow up?

AYAME: Of course, I wish to be the fundamental key to release the people's constraints, so they may set forth on the quest for MAN'S ROMANCE!

**So Ayame became a tailor.**

AYAME: Gure-chan!

SHIGURE: _Oui_, _mon ami_?

AYAME: What do you want to be when you grow up?

SHIGURE: I want to do works of art, and be known in every place that I choose to set foot!

**So Shigure became a novelist and wrote "Once Upon A Demon", the screenplay.**

AYAME&SHIGURE: Tori-chan!

HATORI: ...what?

AYAME: How about you?

SHIGURE: What do you want to be when you grow up?

HATORI: I honestly don't care.

**So Hatori became a doctor.**

(EXIT Ayame, Hatori AND Shigure)

**And the rest will have to wait for the next chapter, _non_?**

**Yours Sincerely,**

**Sohma Shigure**


	2. The Three Amigos, HERE!

**And so it was that the three lads grew up to be tall, dark and handsome. Especially the one called Shigure. Why, as soon as he walked past, his fans were so overwhelmed with joy to bask in his great presence, they forgot they were supposed to be unhappy!**

(CUE Flying Overripe Tomato)

**_Mon dieu_! Give a gentleman his right to dream!**

(CUE Flying Full Basket of Bad Fruit)

**ANYWAY! As I was saying:**

**As they progressed in their three wonderful, fan-filled lives... You there! Excuse me_, monsieur,_ but kindly keep that finger to yourself! There are people here who appreciate my work! Yes, there are! Stop sniggering over there, you!**

**ANYWAY!**

**Ayame, Hatori and Shigure rose to the top of their professions!**

**Hatori became the Royal Physician.**

(ENTER Hatori AND Great King Honda)

(ENTER Large Comfy Couch AND Wooden Chair)

(Great King Honda LIES DOWN ON Large Comfy Couch)

(Hatori SITS DOWN ON Wooden Chair)

GREAT KING HONDA: It's all so horrible and terrible, I tell you! Now even though I have a daughter - a drop-dead gorgeous one at that! - no one will take my offer and kill that horrid DEMON! The pain, I say! The sorrow!

HATORI: Your Majesty, I must ask you to sit up.

GREAT KING HONDA: But Royal Physician, I'm a depressed man! My troubles have me worn out!

HATORI: Your Majesty, I'm a doctor. I'm not a psychiatrist. Kindly sit up, or I'll never be able to start the examination.

GREAT KING HONDA: What is there to examine? We haven't had tourists for thirteen years now!

(Hatori STUDIES Hour Glass)

HATORI: I'm afraid we're out of time, Your Majesty. That's it for your session.

GREAT KING HONDA: But Royal Physician! I'm in pain! Pain, I must say! There are voices in my head!

HATORI: Take two aspirins and call me in the morning.

(EXIT Hatori)

(EXIT Wooden Chair)

(EXIT Large Comfy Couch with Great King Honda)

**Ayame became the Royal Dress Consultant.**

(ENTER Ayame AND Great Queen Honda)

GREAT QUEEN HONDA: Ayame-san...I just don't know...

AYAME: It's perfect, Your Majesty! It's my finest work!

GREAT QUEEN HONDA: I doubt my husband would approve. You know what I mean.

AYAME: And I do! But Your Majesty must make the first move! All for a MAN'S ROMANCE!

GREAT QUEEN HONDA: Very well, if you think it best.

AYAME: You will not regret this decision at all, Your Majesty!

(EXIT Great Queen Honda)

(EXIT Ayame)

(EXIT Stewardess Uniform designed to fit men AND Pilot's Uniform designed to fit women)

**And Shigure became the Royal Bard.**

(ENTER Great King Honda, Great Queen Honda, Ayame, Hatori AND Shigure)

GREAT KING HONDA: What have you for us today, Royal Bard?

SHIGURE: Your Majesty, I planned to stand before your glorious presence and recite a poem I just wrote!

GREAT KING HONDA: Excellent!

SHIGURE: Unfortunately, Sire, as circumstances would have it, I was challenged to a lyre dual just last night, and my toes are too tired!

GREAT KING HONDA: You play the lyre with your toes?! What do you do with your fingers?

SHIGURE: I stick them in my ears, Your Majesty. I can't play anything to save my life.

(Hatori WHISPERS TO Great King Honda)

HATORI: Take two more aspirins.

(Shigure ADDRESSES Great King Honda AGAIN)

SHIGURE: Fortunately, Sire, I have composed a great song in your honor, recommended by Your Majesty's War Horse!

GREAT KING HONDA: By my War Horse?

SHIGURE: Well, I asked him and he didn't say no.

XXX

**Working together in the Palace, Ayame, Hatori and Shigure continued to be on good terms with one another as the best friends they were, and often met during lunch hour.**

(ENTER Ayame, Hatori AND Shigure)

AYAME: We got venison again.

SHIGURE: That's the fourth time this week! Who's the chef around this place? Robin Hood?!

AYAME: I think I saw one of the cooks wearing Lincoln green back there. You might want to keep your voice down.

SHIGURE: No, that was Friar Harry. All that deer in his system, and he's finally gone funny.

HATORI: Stop whining and just eat the venison. It has protein. It's good for you.

AYAME: What do you mean "good for you"?

SHIGURE: I'm starting to grow antlers!

(Ayame, Hatori AND Shigure SIT DOWN AT Table with Full-Armor-and-Visor-Clad Figure)

(Shigure TALKS TO Full-Armor-and-Visor-Clad Figure)

SHIGURE: Pass the salt, please.

F.A.V.C. FIGURE: ...

SHIGURE: Hello? The salt. Will you pass the salt, please?

F.A.V.C. FIGURE: ... ...

SHIGURE: Anybody home?!

(Shigure KNOCKS ON Full-Armor-and-Visor-Clad Figure's Visor)

(Full-Armor-and-Visor-Clad Figure collapses and falls to pieces)

SHIGURE: Hey! This suit of armor's empty!

AYAME: GADZOOKS!!! There's a knighted clown running around naked somewhere!

SHIGURE: I need black tape!

AYAME: I need blindfolds!

HATORI: I need to start eating alone.

(CURTAIN DOWN)

**We'll be right back after these messages. Now to find that cursed cup of coffee before it gets cold...Hey, what the heck? Ow! You stupid s- What? What do you mean we're still on the air? It's over! Turn off the camera! The button's right there! That one!**

**#click#**

**Yours Sincerely,**

**Sohma Shigure**


	3. The Three Amigos, STILL HERE!

**Phew! What a weight! I never thought I'd get it done, but I did! Finally, with all the evidence wiped, none shall find out what Ayame and I have been doing in the closet! What are you looking at? Put that camera down, come on-What? We're on air?! You could have at least said something first! How much have the audience heard already?!**

**All of it?!**

**Alright, just...just let's get on with the show and pretend nothing happened.**

**CURTAIN!**

XXX

**The day arrived when the daughter of Great King Honda, Princess Tohru, was to celebrate her thirteenth birthday. Everyone was bustling about getting ready for this glorious event.**

(ENTER Ayame, Hatori AND Shigure in Court Jester Costume)

HATORI: So that's where you guys went.

AYAME: Is everyone ready for tonight's big party?

SHIGURE: I'll be there in Cap and Bell Tie!

HATORI: I never did get around to asking you what you were doing in that getup.

SHIGURE: Aya's idea.

AYAME: Doesn't 'Gure look cool?

HATORI: Now I know why...

(ENTER Princess Tohru AND Attendants)

AYAME: Look! There's Princess Tohru! Quick, 'Gure! Wave!

SHIGURE: Oh PRIIIIIIIIIIIINCEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSS!

HATORI: I just can't watch....

(CUE Loud Splashes)

AYAME: Oh my. I didn't know Friar Harry was that easy to shock.

SHIGURE: Well, at least he can get out of that Lincoln green suit now.

HATORI: You guys should be thankful that her Royal Highness is alright.

AYAME: Isn't she the best? She's a princess without a flaw! She's lovely, she's kind...

SHIGURE: And she laughs at all my jokes!

HATORI: Well, nobody's perfect.

AYAME: Is she beautiful, or is she beautiful?

SHIGURE: She's beautiful. But why are both choices the same?

HATORI: It's a rhetorical question.

SHIGURE: Oh.

(ENTER Prince Yuki)

SHIGURE: Look! There's the young man she loves! Prince Yuki!

AYAME: A fine figure of a prince, if I do say so myself!

SHIGURE: Wasn't he supposed to be a rat?

HATORI: The Princess kissed him. Poof.

SHIGURE: Can that happen?

HATORI: There's always room for crossovers.

SHIGURE: I see.

AYAME: Is he handsome, or is he handsome?

SHIGURE&HATORI: He's handsome.

(EXIT Princess Tohru, Prince Yuki AND Attendants)

(ENTER Great King Honda)

GREAT KING HONDA: What's going on around here! Royal Bard! What are you doing in that ridiculous suit?!

SHIGURE: But, Your Majesty, isn't it cool?

AYAME: Yes, isn't it?

GREAT KING HONDA: No, it is not! You're a Bard, Royal Bard! A Poet! Not a Monkey! And my guests will be arriving any minute! Surely you three have something better to do!

AYAME, HATORI & SHIGURE: Yes, Your Majesty!

GREAT KING HONDA: Then, do it!

AYAME, HATORI & SHIGURE: Yes, Your Majesty!

(EXIT Great King Honda)

AYAME: Boy, what a grouch.

SHIGURE: Hey, 'Tori, why is the king so moody these days?

HATORI: Depression. Kings are human beings, like the rest of us.

SHIGURE: You mean...we all have some form of irregularity?

HATORI: No. I'm saying that everyone has a different degree of anger management.

AYAME: Ah. Anger management.

HATORI: Yes. While one man has full control, another will have a mild temper, and yet another will have occasional violent bouts.

AYAME: So the fourth one is some kind of nut?

HATORI: That's right.

SHIGURE: Good thing there's only three of us, huh?

HATORI: Must you clown around like this?

SHIGURE: I'm wearing a monkey suit. It's my job.

(EXIT Ayame, Hatori AND Shigure in Court Jest Costume)

**And believe it or not, we end again for a short break!**

**Ah! Momiji! What brings you here so soon? Oh! You're a messenger! What? Hatori wants me dead for making him OOC? Don't be ridiculous, boy! How could he possibly-AAHH!!!! Hatori, PLEASE! NOT THAT! NOT THE ROLLED UP NEWSPAPER! WAIT! CAN'T WE TALK ABOUT THIS! WAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!!!!!!**

**#click#**

**Yours Sincerely,**

**Sohma Shigure**


End file.
